Beating the Narcissist: Releasing the Grip After a Breakup

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He will when he'd feel he may benefit from a new contact with you and THAT is too bad for you. He really didnt care at all that I was having health problems with all the stress. He followed me despite my running fast and yelling at him to leave me alone.

It is enough not to care; love is not ended by hating or self pity. I guarantee there is another side to your story.

30 Kickass Affirmations For Going No Contact With An Abusive Narcissist

The short—yet excruciating—answer is no. When we wonder if or assume that the Narcissist misses us, we are projecting our feelings of loss and longing onto them. Narcissists do not think the way we do, nor experience the same emotions. These stages are for reference and can manifest in any order, depending on the individual. Therefore, a common tactic is for them to execute the Silent Treatment. This might seem counterintuitive at first, but the truth is that many people do not implement No Contact in its true form, and often leave their phone, email, and social networks open in case the Narcissist tries to contact them. In an ironic twist of events, the victim who implemented No Contact then feels rejected by the Narcissist…and often will contact the Narc with a text or Facebook message. Oddly, the Silent Treatment from the Narcissist then results in the victim asking their abuser to come back to them. Allow me to break it down for you using a typical hoovering attempt by a male Narcissist: Scenario: The Narcissist sends you a text and shows up with flowers 20 minutes later. I forgive him and love him more than ever. Why am I doing all this hard work? Oh yeah, finding new supply would cost more than the flowers, what with the dinner dates and such. But oh man, is she gonna pay for doing this No Contact thing. He tells you he was so lonely when you implemented No Contact, that he defenselessly fell into the arms of a new lover. But, he still somehow loves you and wants to make it work. Or, maybe he needs to get in a good devalue and discard before leaving you in a heap of raw nerves on your living room floor. You are being played and triangulated and should consider going full-out No Contact. This could be in the form of a verbal assault, or physical. If the latter happens, call the police at your first opportunity. As you can see, all the above have nothing to do with missing you, and everything to do with the Narcissist. Remember those points of entry from 2? You will only regret it in the end…every. Copyright © 2017 Kim Saeed and Let Me Reach. All Rights Reserved claire says July 12, 2018 To go into the last 4 years of my life is just to depressing for anyone let alone myself so to cut it short its like this… I am married to a narcissist. He has treated me and my children like dirt with no love or respect for anyone other than himself. He has ruined our lives taking everything he could and leaving us with nothing, literally. We are now being given the so called silent treatment as per. I have no come to my senses 4 years. I only pity the next poor woman he sets his sights on. Cathope says May 14, 2018 I have really learned a lot reading the blogs, I was a very naive female who I guess did not believe in people being so evil. I had been married previously and he was an alcoholic. I had walked away from that relationship feeling like a failure, to some degree looking back he was a narcissist but he had not actually beat me just verbal. I had gone to a different state, and stopped to fuel and get something to drink. I met my second husband, he was the charmer now I know he saw the out of state license plate, no wedding ring and gave it a shot. I was easily impressed. He was intelligent, treated me like a queen. I tried to leave a few times but somehow he always knew, he would twist things and say he was just going to leave, and I would never hear from him again. Not know if he was ok, or lying on the road somewhere dead. Played on my sympathies, and then I would get beat because I had entertained the thought of leaving. He was so manipulative. It was so hard. My job knew something was wrong at home and tried to get me to seek help, I was scared. He had promised to kill me and my family if I ever left. He threatened to kill me and throw me in the lake where no one would ever find me. I believe he could have done that. I left work that evening, he worked nights and I talked to him on the phone like always, trying not to let on I was packing my car and I left. I am over a year out, finally divorced and I am still afraid of him. My hope is that he had already found his next victim and moved on without a second thought to me. The triggers are not as bad, nightmares are not as bad. I have to keep telling myself that nothing was real. He had no feelings for me, and even today I fight myself because I thought I loved him, and honestly believed no one could be so evil. Or, well, attract them, anyway. He is not aware of his narcissism, that I know of. Unbeknownst to him, we have just entered the third stage, hoovering. Does anybody know what happens after the cycle? This disorder is especially sad because of the narcissists inability to see themselves as a narcissist, therefor never seeking treatment. Carolina says March 22, 2018 My husband gives me the silent treatment quite often. He excuses himself of why he has done this or that, but not me for making mistakes. He sees me crying and suffering about this, and it hurts to see he might not care. Just very sad… Patricia says March 19, 2018 I wish I knew about this before. I was in a relationship for 6 years and then again he came back for 3 more years. He dumped me again 2. Married a 25 years younger women 3 month after breaking up with me. I did the no contact for the past 2 years. I Used to be a top producer independent person with lots of motivation in life. It happens that my mother passed away 2 month ago, he came to her funeral without being invited. I thought it was a nice gesture and thank him. Now he has call me several time, wants to see me , send me text with pictures of us , and new pictures of him in his spectacular fit body! He called me again this weekend to come to my house, I said was working. All of my past emotions are back, confusing me if he is really a bad person or not. How do I cope with this? What can I do to step out of this situation of not being the happy person I used to be? Empowered says February 5, 2018 I broke up with my ex covert narc recently. It is awful we work at the same job. It took me about 10 months of dating to figure this out. I dated overt narcissist. I thought he was kind and loving it was all Bs. I just received a promotion. I am so worried he is going to sabotage my promotion. I am trying to be a loof and not let his obvious pursuit of more Supply in the Office. Suggestions to Get Through This Wendy says January 27, 2018 Well that was exactly what I expected and point on with my N…. I just recently got out for the last time…I have finally learned my lesson and it is such a wonderful freeing feeling…. I just dread the stalking that enviably comes after everyone if our break ups … He is an expert at wearing me down, but not this time, I will stay strong if it kills me!!! Gary says December 29, 2017 Im a victim. It leaves you so demoralized, dehumanized, hurt and alone! Shes an expert at turning everything around! Uses triangulation, threats, rage, violence! Threatens the police on me. And never ever apologizes or even talk and explain her actions. And her actions are endless! From her rules of which i must follow. Which are so incredibly one sided. To the next instance of her immediate need. I tried so hard to show her a better life! How family could be. How she could be happy in soooo many different ways. She is a hypochondriac, no job, no diploma, lives in a sec, 8 apartment where she dislikes her neighbors. Its so incredibly sad! I see such a good person in her. And just like i see that in her? She talks such a big game but then never does anything. She drinks, smokes alot of pot, goes to the bars, has her circle of friends to get high with. Her whole town knows her. She has made out with a guy in the bar right in front of me and actually said to me? Nobody told you to be here! Or this second time around? After I believed she had changed? In my face rejection in the bedroom! She has stooped to yet another low to deliberately hurt me, use that to make me upset! Then use my being upset against me with a triangle with her pot head friends! She used her friends against me. Last time around it was her family! The constant non stop mind game! How everything sucks for her! A never ending barrage of her dislike and hatred of other people! The talking behind their backs! And i mean everybody! I cannot describe to you the feeling of sexual rejection. It happened like out of no where too! We didnt live together. I have a job, and she lives 45 minutes away. She has successfully over the 4 years i have known her to keep everything, family, friends, her life? So frustrating the effort i put forth for her. The invitations to things with my family. How i tried to be, meet, hang out with her family! That is so messed up an abnormal to me and I believe to any normal relationship. She has pushed me to the point once again where i have no choice but to leave her. And whats so very very sad? Shes unaware or so it seems? My family dislikes her very much! They tried to warn me before i fell for her once again! I cannot go on with her like this. I didnt mean a thing to her. Nothing i did mattered to her for her to show me something where she wanted to be a couple. Like a spoiled little kid! With teen age emotions and lifestyle! I love and care for her very much! But there is absolutely nothing about her and her lack of trying for us or genuine careing enough for me to want to continue with her to be a part of my life! Oh what a life i would have had with all that! Her little hissy fits that turn into rage! Her do as she pleases attitude! Her total lack of careing how her actions hurt! I hope someone can help me in some small way. KK says December 27, 2017 I have been married 3 years; most have been unhappy because my husband has N rage, he had a terrible childhood very abusive parents, never gave him the attention he needed, always made him feel less then. He did become a doctor, but is on strong medication for depression, rage, md, by polar and many other personality disorders. He has been depressed most all of his life. He came to me 4 years ago telling me he found a medicine that finally helped. You are so right the first few months were filled with love, kindness and gifts. I wanted things to slow done but he kept up the game and he seemed so sinciere. So much has happened in our relationship in a bad way and he always says it me. He has given me the silent treatment for so long he hates all holidays and will never says a word during these wonderful occasions. I was living out of state with him not knowing anyone. I kept my house thank heavens and spent Christmas at my home. He never called nor texted. But now he texted and I am the cause of his unhappiness and he feels dejection and demoralization because he says I blame him for all of our problems. I have never said this but he seems to always put words in my mouth and tells me things I never said nor did. He has had many outburst of breaking screaming, breaking things and butting my head. I am depend on him for financial reasons because of things he did to me to cause me physical injury so I was not able to work for two years. I am better now, but still need him to send my money until things are different. I have been so hurt and feel horrible kept thinking we could work things out?? I do not think so now?? Sick at heart Angela says October 2, 2017 This article was an eye opener. I have been with this older man who is retired who I loved dearly for 4 years. On our 4th anniversary I had to break it off because of his constant lying. He was married when we met and only has a separation agreement with his wife. His wife moved on without him and bought a condo. He has moved out of the house into his own apartment which I helped paint, clean, set up etc. In the past 4 years he lived mostly in my apartment and kept his apartment mostly for his collectibles which are vast. He would come over for dinner spend the night and go back to his apartment the next day to play with his collection. He would never put them in storage. I had to beg for him to help with utilities, food, etc as I am on disability and also have a limited income. We had a lot of good times in the beginning but as the years went on the goods time were few and far between. This man was diagnosed with cancer a year ago. I helped in the hospital like I was his wife. This went on a whole year of chemo treatments, operations,sepsis, hospital stays, stem cell transplant, etc. I spend all the hours with him for every procedure. Not his wife, not his 2 adult daughters, not his brother, no one but me helped his through his illness. Now he is in remission. He promised me he would take care of this divorce and finalize it by our 4th anniversary. He promised to not hurt me. He never cared about my feelings. He never cared that I was upset and crying about things. He would just ignore me. All these years he practically lived with me all he brought over was a change of underwear. He seemed helpless like a little boy. I was his wife and mother and caregiver. On our 4th anniversary he disappointed me again, no divorce. I said to him I knew you were going to do this again and his reply smugly was I guess you know me by now. I ended the relationship. I received no answers to any questions. He never talked about a future. He has ruined special occasions with his lies and disappointments. I guess for him I was only there for the here and now for what I could do for him. I am on disability for panic disorder and anxiety and this is not making it any better. Part of me still misses him terribly. We had the potential for a great relationship but he made it impossible. Please give me some advice. Reading your article I believe he was a Narcissist. Any input would be appreciated. Every site i find seems to assume that only men have this condition. She is a doctor and my company designed the luxury condos that she moved into. She asked me out.. Within days of moving in the entire dynamic of the relationship changed. Her house was to be kept spotless at all times almost as if it were a meauseam. When she kicked me out it was always black and white.. She would threaten to throw away or break all my items in the house. There was one ugly blowout where she cussed me out in a casino lobby, i then left, she then ran up to my parents room and cussed them out at full volume about what a disrespectful loser they raised. I am sorry to learn of your struggles. Many people feel the same way you do, and I can relate to how difficult it is. Okay so, wondering what kind of crazy to expect? More of the same and then some. Your best bet would be to go extreme No Contact and call the cops if necessary to obtain a restraining order. Wishing you the best… Kim A says January 9, 2018 Im not a psychology expert and Im sure Kim answered ur question best but it sounds like shes more likely bpd and that would be ur best bet for ur investigation. Men usually have a tendency to fall under the npd criteria where women usually are more under the bpd area, hence the lack of information on women who have npd. Tho not always the case some women npd some men bpd. But from what ur saying in ur message seems like a clear cut case of a woman with bpd. The whole driving you out then running back to you. The extreme acts of violence. Theres a lot that goes into diagnosing someone with full blown bpd. Im sure she has some form of npd but im more sure shes a bpd. I would love to go absolutely no contact, however, we have two small children together and they love him as they should. Living seperately and having a court order that he is not allowed on my property and vice versus has helped immensely. Not being able to keep my phone number from him is what keeps peace from my life. Hopefully soon especially once the divorce is finalized less contact will be possible. In my mind he has done more than enough to provide cause for me to get far more than 50% custody. Holly says August 10, 2017 Patricia, I was with a narcissist for 8 months. He was living with his ex girlfriend when he began pursuing me. However, we worked together closely and were friends for a year so I thought I knew this man. He was 20 years younger than me. I was extremely flattered and attracted to him. He told me lies about his ex being crazy psycho etc. In the beginning, while showering me with love, I later learned I was a secret the whole time throughout our relationship. He told everyone he knew I was just his coworker including his ex. I met his friends on only one occasion during the 8 months at his birthday party and he introduced me by my first name only. Although I continued to give him deadlines with which to include me, it never happened. All broken promises while he continued to tear away at my self-esteem. I was on a constant roller coaster of emotions and he took no responsibility. One time I saw him from across the room on his cell phone which he took everywhere with him. I watched him from above a balcony for some time and then made my entrance. Or maybe the time he had anal intercourse with me without asking and then denied it. The problem I continued to have in my brain was that we were friends for a long time and co-workers. Finally, he broke up with me. I was completely devastated and vulnerable. He had sex with me in this emotional state, then got up, told me to stop crying so he could leave and wanted to be friends. The following day I put two and two together. He had been pursuing another coworker for months prior to breaking up with me. All the signs were there. The two were happy and running around together in front of everyone two days after our break up. People were astonished to learn we were in a relationship. Here he was flaunting his new girl around the office, taking her home, picking her up, she was all over his social media; things I was never allowed to do. The only contact I had with him was sending him medical documentation. He blocked all forms of communication with me. In the email he wrote this was an alleged pregnancy and he is the alleged father. He wanted absolutely nothing to do with me in any way, shape or form and did not care what decisions I made in regards to any baby I might have. I miscarried a month later. Everything about him makes sense now; thanks to your articles. I have to see him everyday. The sad part is; although people know what happened, he is highly regarded at work. An excellent role model and was even promoted. I end up being the one treated differently as though I was the only one in the relationship. I feel like he would find this if I put my name says June 3, 2017 My ex… going on, like 12 years now… was my first love. He was 12 years my senior and he was exactly what I needed for the person that I was then. Anyway, I write because he has come back, or maybe he was never fully gone. He has checked my Linkedin a few times and finally figured out how to put it in private mode. I suspect it is him since he is still on my top people to add list and we do not work in the same field at all, and at least once a month I have a private viewer. He recently told a mutual friend that he would like to go on a double date with my husband and I, with his wife whom he left me for and him. I wish he were different, I wish we could be friends, but he is not a friend and I know that. The more time that goes by, the more the pain subsides, and I try to change my memories to make it possible to talk. Reading this post was fairly dejecting; he meant the world to me and I likely did not mean a thing to him. I am not 100% sure I buy that; my replacement looks like me, has similar body peircings, changed her body tone to match mine, even changed up her hair color to match my natural color. I am starting to argue with this article in my head, thinking of all the ways it has to be wrong, but I guess the main point is, why does it even matter? Priscilla McAtee says March 16, 2017 Hello Kim. I hve a question. Pls tell me how does a Narcissist man treat his mother? I want to kno if he will torture his mother and emotionally abuse her in the same way as he would to his wife? Can the narcissist family help heal him? Will his familiy members also have narcissist tendencies? Kim Saeed says May 29, 2017 Hi Priscilla. While narcissists share many of the same behaviors and traits, they are still individuals with their own personalities and motives. Not all narcissists treat their mothers exactly the same. What I can tell you for sure, however, is that my Ex treated his mother horribly. Once, he upset her so badly, she wound up in the hospital with chest pains and was monitored for a heart attack. Luckily, those who develop codependent traits can be helped, whereas those who develop narcissism cannot, because in order for them to be helped,they must want to be helped. Mel says February 11, 2017 No contact or not they will be back. They cannot help themselves. Their skin must be as thick as a rhinos because no matter what you say about them or no matter how much you tell them what they are they will still return. Get away from them they will never change. Melx Sue says February 16, 2017 2 months of NO CONTACT. At times it is really, really hard but I know I need to prevail to get ME back. Already Family and Friends noticed a big difference. I was a wreck. He loved to watch me suffer. Then came the rage of anger when i woke up from being in a coma for 10 years. I was also fortunate to re-acquaint myself with friends that he told I did not like to hang out with them. All of my instincts were right and I did not trust them. He has been manipulating you for years, yes, he had a girlfriend with a girlfriend, and who knows how many in between. He actually asked for the ring back — I did now want it and knew there was no intent of marriage. Oh and YES he is a HOARDER. He told me he was cleaning up his home for me for years. I suprised him and went over to his house unannounced. Well, now i know he never took the women there — LOL. Thank goodness for my years of journals, a good counseler, loving family and friends. Excuse any misspelled words. Ahhhh, they are all alike. I certainly got the best end of that deal! Anonymous says December 16, 2017 Mine asked for his pawnshop ring back, and his Walmart bridal set back, I said you cheated on me, there for you broke the engagement. She will also be there. POS… Anonymous says December 15, 2017 Thank you, you told my story, with some differences, my narc. That affair ran about 18 mo. I left him he came back. That pattern repeated itself. His x wife told me I was not crazy, there will always be a woman in the background, there always was in some form that I was not allowed to meet. He always has a new woman in tow. The most sneaky of them all, he mimics his prey, I always see the residual of his woman the change in his manorisms, the last one tried hard to change him, she was doing good. He had his face out of his cell phone, left his phone in the car while out for dinner lol. Cause he was afraid I would text in her presence. He played her, just like he played me. They are a piece of work….. Still has strings on his x wife, who comes for visits 4x a year for up to a month at a time. His X girlfriend is still in touch 7 years later, he still looks for his other X and he still looks on FB for every woman he has cheated on me with. He has had group b strep endococcus or something in his penis, herpies, caught MRSA, scabies, and came home with bed bugs… Not my home thank God. Jazz says April 5, 2018 I got discarded by my narc i think he is one anyway but he gradually went ghost over a period of time as with no explanation although i was not his main supply when i would text him he would be silent not respond until like 3 weeks ago then i found out a bunch of his secrets and sent a raging text how he lied, mislead me blah blah blah, i even threw in how he was unattractive and fat and had a small penis…well i am wondering after all that and what i have read here do i have to worry about him hoovering??? But when the N entered my life it was at the worst part of my life. He was living with his problematic gf. He discarded her and even tried to use her while we were seeing each other. He Made it seem like that was over. I quickly realized he still held on to her. Even though she kicked him out. I knew he was cheating and it was very obvious. We were off more than on in this relationship. My radar went off most the time i was with him. I read up on his behavior and realized what he was. I knew almost 90% of the time he was still pursuing his so caked ex. At first i thought this girl dumped him. But on her Facebook i saw that she was hold a torch for him. Even though he betrayed her. She had pictures of him and her dating back the entire time i was seeing him. We broke up for good. I have too much pride in myself to move that quickly. He never paid rent to anyone. Yet they bought a house together. I lost faith in my own gender. He totally snowed her. I felt good discarding him only to have this older women take him in so quickly. Something i do very cautiously. I have a lot of boundaries that makes any N run to hills. Yvette Lopez says January 30, 2017 Bravo Sister! One for the good guys! I needed to hear your story! It bring hope to a hopeless situation. Anger Deep Sadness Betrayed Loneliness Heartbroken says July 11, 2016 My covert narc ex is leaving me alone. But, I know why. First off, she thinks that my abandonment issues thanks to her!!!! Oh you want to ignore me after I broke up with you and while I am ignoring you? Coverts might not be pinned as overly intelligent, but man, they are cunning. Its sad I let her put me through all sorts of crap. Its sad that I wasted 4 years of my life. But, what I find even sadder, is that there are so many people that have relationships with people like that. But, after doing tons of research, I realized just how many of them there are out there, and just how many of us there are in here. Talk about a pandemic. I just want to say, that even though this blog is old-ish, that if you are going through this and you are even a tad more sane than they are, eventually you will move on. You WILL get sick of it. You WILL gain strength. Something WILL change you. And then added on to that the first break up. It was just a waiting game before my heart finally shut up and my head took over. There IS a breaking point. Sometimes it just takes some of us longer than others lol. Kim, I think somewhere on this website you may have mentioned this guy Richard. I think it was you lol. I visited so many blogs and articles and videos and websites over the past 2 years I lost count. My apologies if it was not you. Anyway, GO watch that video. YOU are not crazy. No need to reply or anything. But, that was kind of cathartic for me. The police let him off and said he declared self defence!! As you can tell anger has hit me know after 2 months of just crying. I am going through the same thing at the moment.. I ran a business with him but have walked away.. All I can say is thank god I cancelled our wedding in September. The red flags were too huge to disregard.. I really wish you love and all the good things that life has to offer. Just takes some of us a little bit longer to get to that point! Such a messed up thing all-around. Knowing I needed to maintain a positive image, not bash, etc. So here, while daddy just ignores the entire situation, mommy has to explain WHO this person is, but also the importance of it NOT being OK yet not going into detail, putting adult issues on a child OR bashing his dad… man, that was tough! UGH, who could DO that… put a kid through that. They said I needed to let him go. Not wanting to cause a scene in front of my 11-12 yr old son… ugh, wtf is going on here?! Started digging, researching… after always just thinking I must be nuts. Deciding my son was NOT going to be put in that situation EVER again…. Add to that, him switching jobs a few times, being unemployed a bit in between… getting ZERO financial help for almost a year from him, when I was juuuuuust making it, as is.. Telling me all the things he wants to do in text of course… Guy has NEVER even taken me out on a date, ever.. His proposal back when, was crap.. IF I made plans for. NO romance, ever… NO emotianal connection to his son. I feel bad, for HER! Wait, who is where???? Would feel damn good tho. Always wanted to be a mom. To expose him to the right things…. Anything can be worked through, compromised, fixed…. Not dating, not bringing a ton of strangers into your house to be mommy or daddy substitutes. Someone has to be the grown-up. I was both for wayyyyyyy too long! Do what you have to.. Carol says November 1, 2016 Wow AJ, you said a mouthful and said it well! Yours words are so true and spot on. I spent 30 years of marriage in mental and emotional prison with my ex. I have been free for 25 years now and it is so wonderful to live in peace. Best wishes to you! Megan says December 11, 2016 Kristi, same. Multiple short term breakups before now, but I always reached back. She very well may have began devoting more time to a side relationship…new prey. The act may be boring at this point, not exciting anymore. The above article was spot on though…I am having times of feeling slighted and abandoned by the narc, despite me praying she leaves me alone. This was validating to hear. Also,how promises of future never manifesting, and her withholding from and not caring about my child, despite declarations claiming very different. Anna says December 29, 2016 I married a narcissist 22 years ago. Beleive it or not I just found out he and his sister had narcissistic tendencies. Their father had severe narcissist multiple personality disorder. I finally threw him out on Christmas Eve, he called his daughters once to say he was fine. Your right about moving on but I still feel guilty about the marriage vows and God. But that changed for me when he clocked me in my sleep. It took both my girls in his face to finally go. But they also got a lot of me to. Thanks for letting me reply. East coast gift to gab ya know. Sadly, it took something that horrific to get me to leave and NEVER look back. Kick that idiot to the curb and leave him there for garbage day pick-up! I mean coming to the realization of just how messed up people really are. This entire article is my ex. I just broke up with her again yesterday. The first time i did it, she was up my butt. And she was doing everything and saying everything to get me back. So far i got two notifications she emailed me. Good riddance and thank god. Paul says January 31, 2016 Hi all! Some of the things she did to me were absolutely disgusting … the last one making me homeless 170 miles away from my home town. I have a 5 year old son with her and I want him in my life … would she respond to no contact? Or will I have to be the one to contact her first? You can do that on your own, but it would be a good idea to get a lawyer if you can afford it. Kim Paul says January 31, 2016 Thank you Kim! Anyway, thanks again, I have a bit more clarity now. My ex and I separated again Christmas Day just gone, we have a son together and it makes the burden of it all simply impossible! He has used the silent treatment throughout the 3 and a bit years I h e been entagled with him and every time we split the silent treatment hits me like no other kind of abuse , and they do it for that effect. I took your advice from one of your posts and have been listening to binaural beats sessions to help with my healing. We were together seven years. Two of those years we lived by his mother. She is exactly like her son. Those two years were the very worst I developed PTSD for awhile. She lived next door and I know they talked about me hateful they fed off each other and his abuse and mind tricks escalated. Whenever I wanted to break up it was impossible suicide threats love bombing Over the last year he became friends with the neighbor. She inherited a house and this is when the discard phase was brutal and cold blooded. He secured his source by using me. I knew when her father passed something was amiss his personality changed drastically. Then I saw the full force of the narcicism. For a couple of years I knew he was a sociopath. That just showed me what he is really after. He is also an alcoholic and lives a parasitic lifestyle. Just want to say his mother manipulated betrayed and abused her men and women. One time my ex said she will take whatever she can use. Exactly like him just a female version it creepy. Needless to say after this terrible discard he has the nerve to start flirting with me now. He honestly in his mind I think. Thought all this was ok. His excuse is we fought to much move on. But that was his first time saying move on because he knew months before she inherited her fathers house and groomed her for over a year. Sick betrayal John Gibson says December 28, 2016 Thank you, Kim, for answering Paul. I just happened upon another site and it was all about women being victims of a male narcissist. I, because of being involved in the community and church married a girl I met in a church campground. I did not know, she did not tell me, and her family did not tell me all the problems that had had with her. She would take the cake. She used to do one thing I notice that none of the authors even begin to tackle when it came to little children. First off, try to abort it. I am serious about this. Social Workers, Psychologists, Judges in Divorce court ordered this woman to stop bringing men in when she had our little girl who was six years old. She told them that was her constitutional right and they could not stop her. I have spent a small fortune trying to counteract this woman from hurting these children, but it seems to no avail. My daughter, especially, wants a mother, still, after years and years of counseling. You are the first person of the feminine gender to show compassion to a man. Where are all the others who write books? There are as many women who are narcissistic as there are men now. Hello, wake up world! I am truly thankful to you for acknowledging Paul, you are the first I have found. Even men counselors are not trained in this, they just diagnose the person with a histrionic, narcissistic personality disorder, charge the man thousands of dollars and throw it the courts. Will we see balance in my lifetime regarding this problem that exists in both sexes and information available for both men and women to spot this in a potential lover or marital problem? Our church does not recognize divorce, period. That is one reason and the children whom I have felt many times I overly compensated because their mother could not stop her infamous travels to exotic places with so many men, I cannot count them all because she was able to tap into my trust fund that happened to grow while we were married, take millions and live it up and she is probably broke financially but has found the next male who would have promiscuous sex with but would never go all the way and marry her and who will take her up on anything she may offer. She must take a trip at least every two weeks, sometimes a couple hundred miles, but with the divorce money, the world was the limit along with the men who went along for the sex and the money. Sorry, sounds like I hate her, hate is not the word. Every time, in my heart, I think I have come to the place where I could inwardly and truthfully bless her as an individual made in the image of God, she outdoes me. I could prove things she has done that would make every woman who reads your books hair curl and they would never have to visit a salon again. It gets easier and better. Its been 18 months since i kicked him out and i am slowly starting to rediscover who i am again…a quote that has helped me……she stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her away…she adjusted her sails. I have not responded but this hovering act gets me thinking about him much more than usual. Two weeks ago I was a mess knowing the two month mark was coming and I felt in my heart that him and I would never speak again. The things my ex comes up with is almost borderline hallucinations, stories no normal person would come up with. He has an alcohol problem which I believe breeds his narcissism- this is not an excuse- this is the reality. I have him Blocked in all outlets of communication but he made a new email this time. Anyways, NC is the best way to go, but boy it is hard to not respond when they reach out. Beth says January 22, 2016 Hello Kim and everyone here :0 I was forced to apply contact to my ex narc as he assaulted me I front of our little son when he came to pick him up last week. Prior to this two nights before I pulled him up on a telephone convo he had who I believed to be 100% another woman. I will never know how many women he slept with behind my back. And the emotional abuse has been exhausting. I am taking steps now to regain my life, I have chronic anxiety and feel like wreck but this website and others are the light at the end of the tunnel for me x says January 13, 2016 I do I know for sure if my ex-husband is a narcissist? We were married for 25 years. He is definitely selfish and materialistic. I used to think he was gay, because we rarely had sex. He wanted the divorce, but I moved out. Almost immediately after I moved out he started seeing a woman who I considered a friend. They announced their relationship via FB. Everyone tells me that they were having an affair, even though both deny it, and that she gave him an ultimatum. I did No Contact immediately. I am also the one who filed for divorce. He really never did any hoovering, he never asked me to go back to him, and he seems to be happy and with this same woman now for almost a year. How can I tell if he is a narcissist or if it is just mid-life crisis? Kim Saeed says January 14, 2016 Hi Candy, thank you for sharing your story and your struggles. Ultimately, he has broken trust, lied, and cheated. While he does fit the profile of a Narc from your very brief description, I would venture to say that even if he was having a mid-life crisis, he has proven that he cares nothing for your welfare and his mistreatment of you is unacceptable. I called him out on his BS and he would give me the silent treatment for 7-14 days at a time. He asked me if I saw us together or a future with him, and I told him NO because he was mean, malicious and not a nice person. Oh I see,your ok with that because there is no emotions involved. Well needless to say, he discarded me after that conversation which I was OK with, because it was the easier way out, without aggravation and without my having to sleep with one eye open. I was quite relieved!! And then went NC and have been since. What a horrible experience IT was. These events have been going on since the end of November the break up untill last week. Things were going amazing up until about 7 weeks ago. And for me to go and die. That was the end of the relationship there and then. I unfortunately retaliated with anger and said a lot back. He then wanted me to apologize to him ha My self esteem was at all time low and I feel i allowed this verbal abuse to continue. I called him up ago and he called me back shouting at me, shouting at passer byes telling them to F off and what the hell are you looking at. He told me he will hurt me if he sees me again. I found out during this time he has a criminal history of assault and a caution on an ex. The most worrying thing for me is that I allowed this behaviour to go on. I allowed this man to bully me. Was this emotional abuse, and can someone give me an insight to this? Always making out I was in the wrong. Why I allowed it, God knows. I think I got so used to his behaviour I should not have reacted or responded to him at all. And deffo not asked to meet up and not given him the satisfaction of knowing how hurt I was. I feel like this is all my fault. He was getting in touch with a mutual friend asking where I am etc. I let him in as I had moved on, and thought the 5 weeks apart was enough to cool down have a chat like adults, and part as adults. The minute I let him in i regretted it. He was acting like nothing had happened, asking me questions etc. He went MAD and I mean MAD. Got in my face telling me how he likes to hurt people and how it makes him feel good to hurt people that disrespect him. That nothing will stop him. He kept lunging for me as if he would hit me. Rang all his friends and told them how disrespectful I am. Threw pillows at me. Pinned me down on the bed and started pinching my face telling me to smile. Laughing at me when I was crying. Taking his shoes on and off and asking me to say sorry. Punched a hole in my wall, telling me I was not respectful to him. I was walking around the room as I was scared to be near him or run or call the police. Told me how everyone loves him and that im the only one who makes him act like this. Said that im the one with anger problems. He then pinned me on the bed again, trying to hug me etc and saying sorry. I told him please leave me alone he stood up and spit on me. Then apologized to me over and over saying sorry, we slept together as I was too mentally drained to say no and scared. Then said that he has a gf and that me contacting him would cause problems…… Even though I never did. He has used this tactic before when i refused to respond then blocked me again and I did to finally. Deb says October 15, 2016 I hear you loud and clear. I have heard those exact words, seen those exact words. Even have the holes in my walls. For the past 3 or so years however, I have not cared about his opinion of me. I diligently stick to my guns and remind myself what he is up to. He fully fits the covert narcissist, however, I am a bit confused whether there is a third type because he also has many traits which belong to overt narcissists. And for me to go and die. That was the end of the relationship there and then. I unfortunately retaliated with anger and said a lot back. He then wanted me to apologize to him ha My self esteem was at all time low and I feel i allowed this verbal abuse to continue. I called him up and he called me back shouting at me, shouting at passer byes telling them to F off and what the hell are you looking at. He told me he will hurt me if he sees me again. I found out during this time he has a criminal history of assault and a caution on an ex. The most worrying thing for me is that I allowed this behaviour to go on. I allowed this man to bully me. Was this emotional abuse, and can someone give me an insight to this? Always making out I was in the wrong. Why I allowed it, God knows. I think I got so used to his behaviour I should not have reacted or responded to him at all. And deffo not asked to meet up and not given him the satisfaction of knowing how hurt I was. I feel like this is all my fault. He was getting in touch with a mutual friend asking where I am etc. I let him in as I had moved on, and thought the 5 weeks apart was enough to cool down have a chat like adults, and part as adults. The minute I let him in i regretted it. He was acting like nothing had happened, asking me questions etc. He went MAD and I mean MAD. Got in my face telling me how he likes to hurt people and how it makes him feel good to hurt people that disrespect him. That nothing will stop him. He kept lunging for me as if he would hit me. Rang all his friends and told them how disrespectful I am. Threw pillows at me. Pinned me down on the bed and started pinching my face telling me to smile. Laughing at me when I was crying. Taking his shoes on and off and asking me to say sorry. Punched a hole in my wall, telling me I was not respectful to him. I was walking around the room as I was scared to be near him or run or call the police. Told me how everyone loves him and that im the only one who makes him act like this. Said that im the one with anger problems. He then pinned me on the bed again, trying to hug me etc and saying sorry. I told him please leave me alone he stood up and spit on me. Then said that he has a gf and that me contacting him would cause problems…… Even though I never did. He has used this tactic before when i refused to respond then blocked me again and I did to finally. Kathy Finn says January 4, 2016 Ten years divorced later. Remember they never have remorse or grow up. They need constant attention and accolades. Makes me wonder who else he has on speed dial for getting his feel like god vibes. No contact is best. I apologize if I dont recall your full story. We need to make ourselves totally unavailable to these people. Another part of me is glad that his text got through. It only reaffirmed what I already know and sometimes hate to admit. So in a way it was a blessing, because I have a tendency to get sentimental. Block your number and change your email. Anonymous says January 2, 2016 Hi Rambler, thank you very much for the reply. I think you said it best…I am almost hoping to be hoovered. I am trying my hardest to get away though. At times it feels like that movie where a guy was hiking and his arm was caught between a boulder and a rock wall…before he died, he sawed through his arm with a dull knife so he could escape and live. I feel like that lately. I just want her to leave me alone to grieve…. But, soon, I am going to just be so over it all, that I will block everything. I am not confident self anymore. Sounds like you have the right perspective though. You know what you have to do. I can tell you this…. Ensure that it is. But you have to block ALL methods of contact…take that step. It provides freedom and peace of mind, After blocking…you stop wondering…waiting…obsessing…. I am living it. So you have to be the one to draw the line. Eventually their hold on you fades and you start to remember who you were before you got sucked in. I went back hoping that he had changed—he pretended that he had—but it was the same BS. I blocked him on my email and he created a new email address so he could get through. Why do they do it? Because when they see you trying to break away they NEED to reel you back in to soothe their ego and they get scared that your rejection means they are not worthy. I believe he values me over his ex or whomever. He lies, manipulates, triangulates—all so he can appear desired by others, and the smartest, most spiritual, most everything—so I will look at him as a God and never leave him. He tried harder the second time around, but the inevitable fights started. Beating me down with his opinions and theories and his expertise on relationships every time we fought. The more we argued the more he saw himself diminishing in me eyes. So he tried to diminish ME. They lash out like that. When we broke up caught him in a lie, finally and confronted him and he turned on me. He worked so hard to convince me I was imagining things, then he berated me. All this in one fight! And i finally saw it clearly, for the first time, each tactic, one by one, one after another. He called and tried to berate me about how he does everything for the relationship; I do nothing. I hung up in his face mid-sentence and never spoke to him again. He started harassing me calling me the very things I accused him of. Now seven months later this hoovering crap. Can we make amends? Anon says January 4, 2016 Well, she tried really hard today. So, she blows that up instead. Then, has the audacity to ask me to give her money. Somehow, I suspect, if I leave her email open, she will try the whole thing again. I have been blind folks. But, now, when her mask is slipping, I am getting that I was just used in so many different ways. I have been trying to move on for some time, but she gets mad and blames me for everything. I would be sweet and nice and loving, if I was trying to win back a trustworthy and quality ex-girlfriend. She broke up with me for another guy! I thought when you swing from one branch to the other one without letting go,…once you grab onto that next branch…you DO let go of the old one. She used to parade old ex-boyfriends out for me to show how crazy they were. Back then, i sympathized with her. Should have been a red flag. Lost her virginity at 14. Was trying to get into a sugar daddy relationship recently. From now on, I want older women that are okay looking, but absolutely beautiful on the inside. I am sure when Monday rolls around and he has to go back to work.. I will get hoovered again for money, help, emotional support. All while I am back at work as well. She sits home and gets bored after grad school ends at 1:00…or she is not seeing her rich banker supporter…and they hoovering on me will commence. The excuses would flow and I would block them with truth. His pity party died out and that PISSED him off…. More time to get over them. I save the exchanges so when I feel like I miss the person, I read their BS excuses and realize what a dirtbag I was duped into thinking I loved. I didnt change my number when we broke up this time because my children memorized it finally after having to change my old number. I blocked him, but the block expired and I didnt bother to renew it because I was sure he was gone. These people really dont go awa, do they?? I wanted to throw up. It boggles the mind. ANY ATTN TO THEM? THYRE LIKE REVOLVING DOORS, SPINNING ALL THE TIME!!!!!!! FORCE YOURSELF TO MOVE FORWARD, THEY ARE ALWAYS GNG FORWARD TO GET ANY NEEDS MET!!! Yes the narcissist is always a he. Anon says December 27, 2015 Hi Kim, I definitely agree that narcissists can also be female. I have been stuck in a long distance relationship with a female narcissist for almost two years now. I have paid her rent for an entire year and bought her so many expensive things. I have always been there when she needed anything. She is devastatingly attractive. I did travel to see her many times. Why I am bad or wrong. She needs material things. She is really good at lying. All she talks about is how pretty she is…and how other women and men tell her how pretty she is. She literally makes jokes about all the guys around her that hit on her to me. In any event, she broke off our relationship about 3 months ago, for another guy. Same profession as me. Still helping her with money and material things. I look back and just want to smack myself. I thought I loved her for awhile. I mean, like unreal great. She even goes to lunch weekly with another really rich guy that just pays her money to be with her. But, the crazy thing…. I miss our conversations and sex and relationship. But, I miss her. Have been literally chewing my arm off trying to get myself away from her over the last 3 months. I tell her to leave me alone and not to contact me…she will then wait a few hours or a day or two…then email me or text me something sweet to rope me back in again. I just blocked her number.. Maybe I will stay stronger this time. Anonymous says December 5, 2015 I work with a guy I have slept with for the past year. I had strong feelings for him. I thought we had a future. He is single, so am I. We had a great time together, laughed, traveled. The build up, devalue, discard and all of that fits how he acts. I fell for him. He now flirts very heavily with other women we work with in front of me often, close talking, touching them, their faces, lips. I go into every trip with a clear head and fail every time. I know he wins when I do this. I feel so jealous. I hate that I do. I want it to be. He still makes me laugh, etc. I know sleeping with him is only maintaining the connection — as unhealthy as it is. I know the smart thing to do. I do believe I will get to the other side. Kim Saeed says December 5, 2015 Hi Anon! Thank you for stopping by and sharing your experience. Sex is actually one of the ways they keep us hooked into the toxic relationship. In fact, they TRY to keep us in the bed. Then, try going Grey Rock. In fact, some people in your position seek other career opportunities. Hope that helps…keeping my fingers crossed for you! Bradley says December 5, 2015 Hi Anon, Gender roles reversed …but my situation very, VERY closely mirrors yours no N pun intended. Right down to the role or job function option being explored fully. My encouragement looks like this. You are doing research, and found this website. You are now educated and educating further. You know what you have to do. Know what you are dealing with. Your reading and education likely has shown you…you KNOW where this leads and how it ends. Your choice is simply…WHEN? Your N will not end it….. Have you when they want….. Or after rubbing your face in their other supply…. You deserve a trusting, open and honest relationship. You deserve to be happy and content and confident in your partner. You CAN and WILL find this in another partner. Your situation will not get better, nor resolved, until YOU take action. And it sounds like you are ready to do so. NC brings such perspective. And in fact brings peace from the madness and anxiety you are likely experiencing. Give yourself a break…. Try it…change the game. From what you wrote…. I have seen this quote so many times in my research….. You are NOT alone. THYRE Not players THYRE Users!!!!!!! THYRE doing to many, fact. I wasted 7yrs ex bf NARC an I got the short end of the stick for sure… I deserve better, lesson learned!!!! All they show is a carefully constructed image. Like a character in a movie. When you see him think of a hollow man with nothing inside but envy, rage and jealousy. They have no normal feelings that hold them back. Peace be with you, there is a good man waiting for a good woman to love and care for. Grey rock this guy and make room for that good man. Anonymous says January 7, 2016 That is just a hearbreaking account of what you are experiencing. You are a normal person who developed feelings for someone. You would expect that with all of the time you spend together and the physical intimacy that you share, your partner would have caring feelings for you, too. I know what it feels like to have your confidence plummet to nothing- when I realized the lies I was fed for so long, I doubted my every decision. Every decision was overwhelming. This person only takes and does not give. Get out and get busy- away from him. Glimpses of my old self are returning after six months of trying to pull myself together. Now, when I think of him my stomach turns. You thought you were dealing with someone who had the capacity to care for others, as most people do. Wishing you the best. Kay says January 13, 2016 You are not an idiot. You are human and have REAL feelings where this narc does not. I was with one 6 yrs and then married bad mistake and am now divorcing him. Every time you give into this guy you lose a piece of yourself.. He throws you crumbs to keep you hooked. Those crumbs will become l ess and less until there is nothing left of you. Do you remember when you were happy?? PLEASE have some self respect — you deserve to be treated like a Queen… NOT a convenient doormat. It took me 3 yrs to get up the courage to leave my narc husband. Kept praying for a miracle. He turned his entire family against me with his lies. I am FREE — I am NOT confused.. My self confidence is back. And I will NEVER allow anyone to treat me like a piece of crap on their shoe again. It happened VERY slowly…til I woke up one day and wondered what the Hell happened.. They are mentally disordered — RUN and never look back. He will destroy you. Skye says March 6, 2017 I wish there was a like button, so true! Exactly my experience as well. I said in the beginning that the good outweighed the bad and I know that there was no way that I could have left but over time — I was with him 14 months, 3 days 11 hours lol — there was absolutely nothing good left, he systematically killed everything we had, and we had a lot. Most likely laughing at my pain behind my back the whole time because he was putting one over on me, that was his favourite thing — duping unsuspecting victims. How ridiculous is that really. The only way he could ever win was by cheating and catching people off guard. By the end of it I had lost my entire life but am happy to say that the moment I really let him go I got it all back. That was my saving grace, deciding that I could back track — go back to the time before I let him ruin me and I have and come out even better for it, absorbing some losses of course but I can tell you I will never take my life for granted again or EVER gamble with it. And I will trust my instincts and be not so trusting. Not a bad thing. Phantommirage says February 1, 2016 He should NEVER have the last word. What justice is there for the surviving vs. Bradley says November 22, 2015 Thanks to all of you who have contributed to my recovery by posting your experiences and thoughts. Does she miss me? How can she not? One of the reasons I bookmarked this page is because the following words from Kim provided such insight and perspective to me…please allow me to cut and paste them here…. As you can see, all the above have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the Narcissist. I was number 1 on her list. Oh well…I guess the new supply gets to absorb and endure all of that abuse and negativity now…or it just builds up inside her….. Whether your N misses you or not is not the issue. Loving yourself, validating yourself, and focusing on you is what is now important and yes…I am preaching to myself as well. Brad says November 23, 2015 hit the nail on the head- Kim is sooo right they miss the pattern of totally meeting all their needs, period. Ange says September 12, 2015 Hi all… right, well i got discarded weds after I confronted my boyfriend on how cold he had been in the last couple weeks, to which he replied his feelings had changed, while all the time glaring at me like it was my fault and I was something he was chewing on that tasted awfull! Plus Bering in mind We had only been back together 6 weeks after he chased me no end to give him another chance after the last breakup! So he started a 12 step program and at first he was all full of promises that now he was off the drugs that everything would be different because this was the root of all his problems, paranoia, selfishness, no empathy, lying, cheating, controlling ways! By now I had already started my research on narcissists a while ago so I was aware of the idealise, devalue and discard process but wanted to so much to believe it was the drugs that turned him into this horrible person not his actual personality. We have broken up many time, mainly when he was on a drug fuelled mission and got paranoid and started accusing me of all sorts! It would always result him in packing and going to his ex I discovered. This time was very different i felt the build up of discard coming, cold detached, no text in the day, not calling or returning my calls. He was so angry at me but he was finishing it! Anyway I replied that was fine and deleted him completely from my phone. So i came home later to all his stuff packed and ready to go but this time I knew the M. I then find me door key on the mat but no fob key for the main entrance door — he has always left both before and knows one goes with the other! I thought this was the final discard, specially how coldly he done it, and I will never forgive him for that, I stood by him when he begged me to help him be normal, get of the drugs lead a normal life! Agreed to no contact. But seemed aggravated that my pal messaged him not me. Kept my fob, why? Is this another form of controlling, does he just want me to contact him so he can ignore me so he still feels like he has the upper hand or is he planning another return attempt?? I left my husband after sustainability ng visible facial bruising, n the middle. Now he filed a sneaky divorce without proper service and I unknowable filed for and for a restraining order, he had filed divorce but is now fighting the restraining order, why??? Why, I left before I knew he was fighting it, and now I am so so so worried, my daughter and grandchildren live there, do you think he would kill or harm them?? I have no income and was sleepy ng on her couch, and now have a bed til I get work. Angel says August 23, 2015 I was at a concert tonight, one that he goes to every year. But as I was leaving the venue someone ran up and hugged me and I looked up and it was his best friend. I feel sad now. I went through all of that stuff the first time break up—hit rock bottom— and I vowed not to go to the dark side this time. I still think of him often but my life is good and Im happy. But seeing his friend did something. I dont have an urge to call him or anything like that— I have maintained no contact without exception and will continue to do so—I just feel.. I guess seeing him triggered something.. But seeing his best friend was like seeing him in a way. It took me back and it threw me for a loop. Sometimes I wonder if for the rest of my life a small part of me will always be just a little sad Kelsea says August 23, 2015 I saw your post through the emails I receive from this site and I just wanted to reply because I know today you might feel lonely, sad and might be ruminating over last night. I used to scour that neighborhood to see if I could produce an exchange encounter and maybe, just maybe if he sees me again, he will know that he screwed up. My ex did this to me. Well, if they knew me well enough then they would buy into his BS. We are in control of our happiness and I will not allow that abusive man to question my abilities and joy any longer. Please continue to do the work that is needed for you to heal and understand why this happened so that you never get involved with another person who will jeopardize your mental health and happiness again. If you ever need to talk, I am here. Angel says August 23, 2015 Thank you, Kelsey. Alot of memories and feeling a little sad. Not wanting to call him or anything crazy like that, just feeling a little sorry for myself I guess. Yeah, I was surprised his friend approached me too. He probably did it just so he could interact with me and have some gossip to go back and tell. My ex probably lied and told everyone he broke up with ME. Im sure of it. Just waiting for the feelings to pass. Again, I thank you for thinking of me. I used to write his words down… i knew they were bad but his words became my words. I never understood how someone could shame you while laughing so innocently and he never understood why I had to ask him if i could do anything right? After that i became the bad welfare mother he would never take parenting advice from. The night he said that, i cried all night and he sat there and watched. The next morning i was exhausted, red eyed and swollen, i took the kids to school and came back and cried some more asking him why he thought so badly of me why he was with me. He told me, look at the way people are looking at you and I did. They were looking at me the way he was looking at me. I was sure of it. I stopped talking to people, i stopped talking to them mostly because I couldnt explain in my words what he was doing because i had his words in my head. Every time I left him, i was drowning in the misery of his lies. I remember now, all of the words other people have said to me, you put up such a fascade… how do you do it? I wasnt angry… i was confused. I was numb with grief. I was silently drowning. I remember all of it, all of the nasty things he ever said to me, did to me and I wonder how long it will stay with me? I also wonder after I leave him when the numbness will come and then the pain, the drowning…I remember I used to watch and wait for his lips to thin out, tried to prevent it with everything i had inside of me because I knew what it meant. It meant that those bad words were coming but would it mean that this time he would ridicule me like a child, point his finger in my face like last time, what name would he call me this time. I remember when i would pray out in pain, I knew in my heart God was trying to tell me something. All I heard was, finish your book, finish it… what you are looking for are in the words. I remember when i first move to Texas, God was stronger. And I heard God again. The words are every where.. I see abuse in everything in everyone, more than my abuser and i know it comes from me being in his head and seeing what he sees. I still find myself living in the habits of abuse. I see glimpses of abusive behavior, a tone that may not even be there, hurt feelings that turn into defensiveness from something i said wrong and i shut down, prepare for the numbness thats inside of me and everything is quiet. The quiet before the storm and still im waiting. Without it, there will be no relief for me and i have lived for this relief. I dont know how to pull myself from this darkness bc it was always him that took the lead to forgiveness. I know that my way of preventing future attacks is different from others. It always comes back to complete isolation. The only place i feel safe is inside of me, knowing that when i speak or laugh no one knows that im the one struggling. And i couldnt do it, i couldnt live with someone else while being in my abusers head so I moved out. The worse part is, this abuse addiction spills over into my other relationships. Even my girlfriends will say something to me and it will trigger a response, I dont even know where the anger comes from and I run, literally. A year ago, i was drinking at a bar with my friend the weekend after the last time i left my husband, it caught up with me and i stumbled into the counter. I told you to slow down. She came after me, grabbed my shoulder and I pulled away, really angry. I screamed at her that i got that shit from my husband and that i didnt need it from her too and i ran away. I have a baby girl with this man and have been lucky enough to see him only a couple of times, both times through court to get her back when he tried to keep her from me and both times my heart beat out of my chest from fear of him. He calls her every night but i had to completely move out of my city bc even going out in public would cause panic with in me. Angel says August 3, 2015 I wanted to add that the thing I learned about these narcs is that they dont respect ppl they can manipulate and control. Like, the exes who think they walk on water. So then they look for someone who they believe is on their level, worthy of all of their knowledge, beauty, and whatever. Whenever you stand your ground you get treated the same way as the others anyway. They probably think they love the new person but its just new supply thats not on to them yet. They need them and wil really pour it on like my ex did with me to set that hook into them but its most definitely not love or the foundation of something healthy. I just hate to see her little girl grow up with a different man around every year or two? I think this one has a kid s? I read that baby bedtime stories and pulled her around their neighborhood in a little red wagon…. A normal mother or decent human being would appreciate that. It was a whirlwind and I thought I finally found someone who loved me completely. He was everything I ever wanted in a man. When I first met him I noticed he was 30 pounds smaller than all the pictures he sent to me. Not a big deal I do not go off just looks. Yet we had everything in common. Our first date I laughed and had the time of my life. I had a gut feeling something was off. It was too good to be true. Yet I told myself I was scared because of past hurts in life and not to let him get away. I should have listened to my gut. I started to notice little lies here and there. Things he said not adding up. He would not sleep much and I thought it was from sleep deprivation. Little lies started becoming huge lies. I had no idea what was going on. What happened to this wonderful man I met. I loved him completely. I did however notice the beginning stages of what appeared to be meth mouth. Yet he told me it was from many years ago. I noticed it on the first date, yet his explanation seemed plausible. How could this wonderful man be on meth? Yet it all added up not only was he a Narcissist he had a very well hidden meth addiction. I did not know that some people could camouflage an addiction so well. Everything he told me was a lie. I did a background check on him. Even when he said he was going to court to fight for custody of his daughter, crying on my shoulder about his evil ex keeping her from him. I found out to be a lie. He went to court because he was being sued. He also was thousands of dollars behind on child support. He even signed off all parental rights to his long lost daughter. He was never fighting for her. He even told me he enjoyed hurting women. I left him when he had meth rage. Then all those red flags added up. I felt like a wolf ate my heart and threw it up at my feet. I will not speak to him but did go off on him for being a lying horrible evil person. He almost seemed demonic. I am with you ladies and know your pain. Angel says July 30, 2015 So I was with him for two years the first go round. Left the relationship and was doing great. Missing him everyday, but moving on with my life. We were apart for a whole year and I grew alot, realized alot, and for better or worse, I had to admit that I truly loved this man. You know how great they are at manipulating you and making you question your natural instincts. I had a tough time discerning what was gut instinct versus his voice in my head making me doubt myself. Unlike alot of the other stories Ive read all over the internet, he was very loving 90% of the time. Spent all of his time with me in person or on the phone, very supportive, super romantic—consistent. And being a very spiritual man, always talking about right and wrong and how he lived his life according to what God expected of him, including being faithful and honest.. He was beyond reproach. And therein was the problem. Anytime I would question something he said, or have a differing opinion he would speak to me in this condescending tone, talk to me like a child or an underling, and wear me out talking for hours about why he was right and what I needed to learn. I would literally get on the phone with one agenda or opinion and hang up defeated. Like, what just happened? If I stood my ground, as I am apt to do being a woman of strong mind and conviction, we would end up in a fight, yelling at each other and vowing that we were done with each other. Even now I marvel at how I accepted one iota of his crap because I was not raised to accept that. This started to happen more and more. I would love to go into detail but this would be a book. After a year apart we got back together and the pain of being apart seemed justified because we had found our way back to each other. To his credit, I noticed some changes in him; he tried not to be so overbearing with his opinion and I made a point not to rely on him for all of my emotional needs. He seemed to respect my growth and independence. But then the fights started again, and he was as disrespectful as ever, always turning vicious and showing no respect for my opinions, even going so far as to use things I told him about me when my guard was down to win his argument and hurt me to transfer his bad feelings on to me. Lots of manipulation, always talking about how much more he does in the relationship, attempting to guilt me into feeling bad as if I were abusing HIM. But it became his mantra and I started to believe it! He was always the victim in any story where there was a problem in the relationship, even with his own family. He used to be a model, though I never saw photos. He was the leader of a band that I never saw him play in and going through his FB back to before we met, I never saw one announcement about a show… I learned from this relationship that I should never and will never doubt my instincts again. And he seemed to really love me. I knew what he was doing was wrong, but I tried to work with him because everything else was so right. I see now that the price I was paying for those good times was just too high. That would mean I had to give up the dream. So I held on way past the time I should have let go. I always do that. Some of these narcs are not your textbook case, putting you down every minute, flying off the handle, isolating u from your friends, the silent treatment. He was the model partner most of the time. But he is indeed a narc. We lasted six months when we got back together before I ended it. I finally caught him in an concrete lie, something I was never able to do before, so he always managed to talk me out of whatever I believed. And to watch him try and worm his way out of it; the way he had an answer for everything; the way he tried to turn it on me; even started crying! All the while he was LYING. Anyone who can lie without blinking an eye like that is scary. I honestly dont know if he ever really loved me, or loved the idea of me, OR loved that I loved him. Who cares is what I tell myself.

In the beginning he was happy about our pregnancy. They need to emotionally exist. Hopefully soon especially once the divorce is finalized less contact will be possible. Con i did mattered to her for her to show me something where she wanted to be a couple. I cannot afford, nor pay for a lawyer. Eventually, I started to just get a gut feeling that Ah something was forming between them. Started four days ago. La shortly after that i got in a car accident and totaled my car and he was so mean through the whole thing. HE could never possibly be YOU though, because YOU were never real, and what is REAL that is so FAKE, is something I would not wish upon anyone. I pan him and my marriage to work soooooo much. In fact I was into no contact wid him for more than 2 months.